An empty cup

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Had a revelation today.  About the empty cup.  Know that this might be the most obvious thing to you, but to me it was revolutionary in my schemata.  

So, what I realised is that I am often only able to let go of something once I have something new.  Take, for example, clothes.  I am far more inclined to want to buy something new so that I can give some of my old clothes away instead of first letting go of what I have.  

I must say, this confession is embarrassing, but I will tell it nonetheless.  I remember when I had a boyfriend when I was a young girl, and I remember thinking to myself that I was not happy with him, but instead of taking the responsibility and breaking up with him, and then moving on, I desperately wished I could find someone else first, before leaving him.  I did not want to be without.  

Of course I found this kind of behavior almost unforgivable if I saw a guy do that, never realising that although I did not do that, I had the same desire.  It is as though we are afraid of the spaces in between.  We are afraid of emptiness.  We are afraid of the darkness, the unknown.  

The right thing is to first break up, take some time for yourself, forgive the hurts, learn from then, and once you have reflected and matured, you are ready to move on.  

And so it should be with clothes.  Let go of them first, then buy new ones.  With all things, I realise, it is far better to empty your cup completely and wash it clean before you refill it with something else.  This was my revelation today.  How I am going to apply that I don't yet know, but I do know that it will be a nagging thought that will undoubtedly change my conduct, hopefully to a more responsible and effective one.  

Out with the old, in with the new.  In that order.  Old boyfriends, old thoughts, old memories, old dreams, old books, old clothes, old stories, old feelings, old ways - I am letting you go, so that I can create the space within which to fill the new - a new boyfriend, new thoughts, new memories, new dreams, new books, new clothes, new stories, new feelings, new ways.  

I feel like I am getting myself in trouble here.  I am not promulgating getting a "newer model" to replace the old, which makes me think of the comments about cars and wives.  That is something I need to get my head around.  As much as I am trying to grasp this revelation of first letting go of something rather than replacing it first so that you can let go of it, it is crucial to distinguish this understanding from a commitment between two people for life.  That is a whole other topic that I won't go into today.  

What I got out of my revelation was simply to take responsibility today for the things that are not living or bringing life.  If there is someone in your life that you are leading on, even though you are not interested, you are not coming clean.  Your cup has something inside it, but you don't want to drink it, nor do you want to wash it clean.  You are simply hovering.  Perhaps you are holding onto it because you don't want to be empty again.  It is nice to have someone show interest in you.  It is nice to see something inside your cup.  Besides, you don't know how long it will be before someone is interested again, and what if he really is the one?  And so the questions continue, and you remain in limbo.  Swirling the coffee at the bottom of the cup - is the last sip necessarily your last chance?


Comments

Anonymous said…
Good one!!!
December 13, 2009 at 10:05 PM
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