What's in a cup?

Happy New Year!  It is Thursday, 1 January 2010, the beginning of a new decade.  With new beginnings comes new life, and new beauty.  We hold our breath to see what's in store, and pray for rain so that life will indeed spring forth.   I have definitely noticed an enlarging of the stomach due to the lack of weights and aerobics I have participated in during this festive season, and the intake of sugary substances in excess, but as we enter the New Year, we again shall enter the gym.  I have one month left, and I will enjoy each moment I can.   New Year's Resolutions: 1. sell what I can, give away what I should, and store what I want to keep  2. get on that plane! 3. dedicate yourself fully for the first 3-4 months; then look at making traveling plans 4. taste the food, but be fussy! 5. learn the language 6. blog every day 7. take lots of good pictures 8. send postcards to friends and family 9. get to know your environment: hospital, library, gym, good restaurants, bank, police,...

This is the last day of the year, 31 December 2009, and a friend asked, what do you hope for, rather than, what are your New Year Resolutions?  I hope to see at least 5 different places next year, thinking specifically of Japan, the Great Wall of China, Russia, Taiwan and Australia, but let's not push it.  I only have one year.   Nonetheless, after watching "Avatar" which I loved, I realised how important it is not to reveal your whole identity from the beginning.  You need to learn their identity before you reveal your own.  You need to consider getting to know them first, before expecting them to be interested in you.  I am, after all, a foreigner, and there is a sense of unfamiliarity, and an innate threat of having an agenda, and in suspicious minds, an evil one.   Looking back at the year, I can say it has been one of my best, especially after meeting a French girl from Normandy, the place of my dreams, and building a friendship with her that widened both our social ...

Dear God,  I had a wonderful day today, thank you.  We played tennis for just over an hour, and he was as "good" as I was, which made it great fun!  Afterwards we went swimming, and he helped me when I had a cramp in my calf.  He also taught me how to float.  Don't know when that will come in handy, but it's cool.  We also exchanged Christmas gifts - he liked his, and I liked mine: a mini tripod and a photo album for my trip to Korea.   Been thinking how I am enjoying my moments these days a hundredfold.  Everything seems perfect.  I am content inside me.  I am happy with my weight, my looks, my life.  Of course there are things imperfect.  And I sure am not happy about those, but today I had a great day.  And I hope and pray that it will continue like this, not because I am leaving and am appreciating the last moments of my last days in SA, but just because You are in my life, and I am excited about everything You have for me.  Also, Father, these last few days I hav...

Dear God,  You say I have the mind of Christ.  What then is my task on earth?  To speak of You and Your kingdom?  I have not been where You have been, though You promise me I shall one day be there with You.  I know so little of this world and all its politics, its history and its social hierarchies.  I feel like a mere infant at times, when conversations revolve around the apparent famous, and I realise I have not followed the lives of princes and princesses, kings and queens, and other governing bodies.   Ignorance is inexcusable, I find, and yet I make every excuse in the book not to read the newspaper - the pages are too large, it is not well written, I don't understand the background - or the magazines - tacky gossip, malicious slander, cosmetics, fashion and who has dimples in what places - please, give me some meat!  Something to chew on, to make my mind tick over and not stand still.   When it comes to spiritual matters, I feel like I am standing behind closed curtains behi...

Watched 'Sister's Keeper' yesterday, which made me see grace epitomised in a young girl dying of cancer, Kate, who accepts all suggestions, regardless how futile, with a smile.  She is loving and kind at all times in the end, when her death is imminent, and it made me realise how unimportant it is to get uptight about something.  If someone gives a trivial response or advice, it is not worth getting upset about.  Just smile and accept it with grace.  Today I watched a completely different kind of movie called 'Vicky Catherine Barcelona' with Scarlett Johannsen and Penelope Cruz.  It bordered on erotica, but its message to me was the eventuality of one's conscience kicking in, when you become tired of living out apparent sexual fantasies or romances that are fine in your imagination but lead to jealousy and rage to the nth degree.  Because as humans we do seek that one person we want to spend the rest of our lives with and have a normal happy family life and yet ...

This morning I had a dream. I dreamt that there was a stone inside my intestine. I sought no spiritual meaning. When I was reading through the prophetic book of Daniel in the Bible, I came across a passage that spoke about Jesus as the rock who will smash both the weak and strong governments in the end times. The rock reminded me of my dream, and the message to me personally was to remember that Jesus is inside of me.     Many religions see the belly as the seat of the spirit, also emphasized in John 7 when talking of the living waters. When I read that this morning, plus Daniel, I was astounded, and I was spiritually refreshed, and I thanked God for this personal message. Perhaps subconsciously I have been looking for a sign that I have been called by God to go to Korea. I have been asking myself if God is in it. And as I typed 'Korea' in predictive text, low and behold, it spelt LORDS. Plural of Lord. And I thought about the irony of that - Korea's religions are ...

Have you ever liked someone not because it feels almost natural to be with them but because they seem to be the ideal person in your objective point of view?  You see the person and think to yourself, Wow!  I have a chance here to be with someone like him.  But deep down inside this perfect ideal which when described to others gives a resounding Wow actually leaves you feeling empty.  There is no explanation.  There is no reasonable explanation.  Objective perfection is not subjective perfection.  I remain unconvinced, and yet my heart breaks at this discovery.  I keep wondering why I have to feel this way.  I keep having to tell myself, it's okay, it'll come, just another day.   Korea is on the cards.  Thought about it more today - I will be working much harder than I do here.  I will make more money, but I won't have my afternoons to myself.  And if I have any questions, I won't have anyone to turn to, unless God sends his angels beforehand.  God seemed to be saying t...

It's Christmas Eve.  The clock is ticking.  Father is showering.  Mother has already gone to bed.  We are not a traditional family.  We don't have a set routine on Christmas, Easter and New Year's.  When it comes to food especially, there is nothing we "always" have.   Tomorrow is Christmas Day.  We are not having turkey.  We are having lamb.  I have not felt the Christmas spirit as yet.  Jesus Christ didn't feature this evening, only insomuch as seeing my mother read a little booklet entitled, "Why Jesus?" From all the religions in this world, from Islam to Hinduism to even Buddhism, what makes me think that Christianity is the "right" way, the "only" way to God the Father?  The danger in choosing your God as the one and only is spiritual narrow-mindedness and intolerance towards others.  Being so open-minded that you believe all roads lead to Rome is contrary to most religious beliefs, however.  In the Bible, it reads, "Lov...

I can't help but feel like a pawn in a game of chess instead of the queen.  I keep wondering what I am doing in the front lines of this battle.  If I had a choice, I would be the queen, but can I choose the piece I am playing in this game? It isn't making sense to me.  The king is looking for his queen, and he wants to rule his kingdom together with the bishop, horse and tower, as well as with his pawns.  The queen can move diagonally and horizontally, and is therefore a powerful and highly desirable piece.  The bishop moves diagonally, the tower horizontally, and the horse in an L-shape.  The pawn can move either one or two steps forward, and can kill someone diagonally.  In order for me to be a queen, I need to be able to sweep across the floor without becoming vulnerable.  I need other pieces around me to protect me.   In my current position in life, I do not feel worthy of the position of queen.  Therefore I question the reality of the pursuit of the king.  Is he mistaking ...

I paid the deposit.  I am going to Korea.  My flight is on 16 February.  How do I sell my car?  I believe my decision hasn't dawned on me yet.  I think about wanting to ballroom dance, scuba-dive, learn to cook Italian dishes.  In Korea, I probably won't pursue these hobbies.   Friends have warned me, life goes on while you are away.  Indeed, when I return to Africa, everyone will have changed, and perhaps the people I have met will have moved on to the extent of having little or nothing in common with me.   But should a person stay even if it means staying behind?  Staying means NOT experiencing a new country, a new language, a new culture.  It means NOT trying something new.  It means NOT giving up your life and its comforts.   I am going East, to a country as foreign to me as octopus to an orangutan.  That's okay.  I would rather regret than not know.  I would rather travel now than get hitched.  I would rather be lonely than wrong, as Alec Baldwin was recently quoted sa...

Today I sit at a desk at my parents' farm.  We call it a farm, although they don't farm animals or crops.  My mother keeps a vegetable patch on the property next door, where the cottages are.  She loves showing me the lettuce, tomatoes, parsley, strawberries and peppers, and she is very proud to have truly fresh vegetables to cook.  They are far tastier than any vegetables I have ever tasted from the shops.   TeachKorea has asked me to fax through a signed copy of the quote for the flight to Incheon, South Korea.  They are asking for a deposit to book my flight.  The deadline is tomorrow.  My mother will pay it for me to help me out.  Blood is thicker than water.  I will pay her back as soon as I sell my car.   I will be staying at my parents' farm for five days.  During that time, I need to help my mom with ironing, cleaning the jacuzzi next door, sewing, making beds, cleaning the cottages, cooking, baking, etc.  She has been kind enough to book a facial tomorrow afternoon...

Oh how marvelous is this life!  Full of decisions I don't know how to make, I sit down with a cup of coffee and start the thinking process, only to find out that the more I think about something, the further I am from doing something.   "Should I stay or should I go now?" is a song I used to mosh to at White Horse during my scholarly education.  It is a theme song that has run through my life for the pure and simple reason of being so apt to so many of my situations, namely the decision of coming or going.  Is it always better to go?   "Go and make disciples of all nations," Jesus says, but I sit here thinking, "Where exactly do you want me to go, God?"  After all, the world is a big place, and I am but a speck of dust on it.  How do I make the best decision?  Pros and cons?  Prayer?  Gut feeling?  Wherever the wind blows?   I think of the idea of making a short term plan and a long term plan, and I wonder what mine is.  And I wonder if I am making the...

I really enjoyed this evening.  It is amazing to think I almost lost him as a friend.  Two days ago I was ready to cut him off from my life.  But I enjoyed his company so much tonight, as though it was just easy to be with him, and even though I got tired, I didn't get bored.   I received news from the agency to teach English in Korea today, but I felt disappointed that the next news I should receive from them was not a "Congratulations!" but an email prompting us (bulk email) into action about the flight and payment.  I was stunned.  I thought they were paying for the flight.   I wanted to cry and throw a tantrum, "I don't want to go!"  I am happy here.  I love my life here.  Why change it?  'Comfort zone' comes to mind.  And 'travel'.  It is time to get excited.  It is time I went.  Rather now than never.  No regrets.   God takes care of all things, including the details.  I surrender it all to Him.  

I felt kind today.  It's as though I woke up a different person.  It's not as though I am the nastiest person on planet earth, but neither am I the kindest.  But today there was a general sense of kindness, and I liked it.  I thought, I should have this feeling every day.  Maybe God changed me overnight?   As I carried this seed in me, I was constantly trying to think of ways to react kindly rather than impatiently, regardless of the situation I found myself in today.  I must say, it was a delightful day.  

In my incessant honesty, I told the guy in the interview this morning that I have another job offer, thereby decreasing my chances to teach abroad.  It shows a lack of commitment.  Furthermore, having resigned halfway through December means I either work until the end of January, in which I forfeit my chance to work at the university at which I have been offered a temporary position, or I forfeit my annual leave.  The right thing to do would be to work until the end of January, and my guess is, to teach Korea, if the interview was successful and they accept my application.   Further thoughts revolve around my dear friend's cousin's interest to work on cruise ships and seeking companionship, as well as a recent love interest in my life.  I would like to see things for what they are, in truth.   From where things stand, it appears Korea is indeed the best option - I am single, I have no responsibilities, I have time, and I would be fulfilling a dream to travel abroad and experien...

Today I decided I would be happier to teach at a university in this country than teach children in Korea for a year, but an interview is scheduled for me at my previous workplace at eight o'clock in the morning.   Yesterday evening I was ready to pull the plug on a relationship that has proven to be a friendship with further potential, but something prevented me from being so merciless, and today I see a different picture.   All things work out.  They somehow unravel like a ball of wool that comes undone and can be strewn across the living room floor by the pet cat if you are not careful, never to roll back into its perfect machine-neat ball.  But at the end, when all the wool is used up for the scarf you've been knitting, it matters very little to the owner of the scarf where that wool has been.   So I will not worry when I see my life unravel without rhyme or reason but trust that God is making something of it which will only be clear and useful at the end, once He is finishe...

I am really struggling to finish this cup.  I just don't know how.  It seems as though it's too hard to swallow what is left inside.  Because once I swallow it, it's truly over.   But then again, I can always order a second cup.  

Sometimes you know that you know that you know,  but doing anything about your knowledge feels like stepping out of quicksand.  I can't really tell what the theme of my heart is today.  Life has knocked me into realism.  Today I was offered a job for next year where I could earn a few thousand grand more. Yesterday my flatmate who was just visiting home has informed me that she is not coming back until next year.   This last week my new friend arrived at my doorstep after leaving her job.  And I have had a rich, tall, dark and handsome man tell me he likes me.  It's been an interesting few days and weeks.  I planned to go to Korea next year.  I wanted to earn more money.  And I wanted to travel.  Are my friends right that going alone on a contract that ties accommodation, work and the visa together is a bad idea?  Did I not say I would never travel alone again?   But if I stayed for a higher salary, would I be happy with my decision?   Timing is everything, they say.   God'...

What greater act of nature is there than transformation of a caterpillar to a butterfly  from a sinner to a saint? One God, they say, but biblical scripture says,  even the devils believe that and shudder.  What then is this life?  A series of conversations or apparent events that leave trails for us to reminisce? In matters of love, only the heart speaks,  but the lust of the eyes and the flesh mutates the heart.  So what words are left when there is nothing left or when nothing has really begun?  Let not my life turn again into a series of tests or a matter of disobeying God, my conscience,  the voice within.  But I pray, as I know the truth of my situation,  not for what but how.   For it is this, and timing, that are far more important to deal not with a withered ego, a broken spoon.  For it is but once love comes along  and when you find it, surely you will recognise it and hold on to it for dear life,  until you realise that life is no longer as it once was and that love as you h...

am i getting too close to stop letting go now and striving ahead  because that was the original plan.  would I not know by now? would God not have said something by now? Others are far better than I.  is this a blessing in disguise? Away from thoughts and moving towards the heart where do my feelings lie now? what do I strive to achieve?

Not one day  Without the Word of God Not one day  without a prayer Not one day  without singing praise Not one day without considering His Way Not one day without thanksgiving  Not a day  without my Lord

Had a revelation today.  About the empty cup.  Know that this might be the most obvious thing to you, but to me it was revolutionary in my schemata.   So, what I realised is that I am often only able to let go of something once I have something new.  Take, for example, clothes.  I am far more inclined to want to buy something new so that I can give some of my old clothes away instead of first letting go of what I have.   I must say, this confession is embarrassing, but I will tell it nonetheless.  I remember when I had a boyfriend when I was a young girl, and I remember thinking to myself that I was not happy with him, but instead of taking the responsibility and breaking up with him, and then moving on, I desperately wished I could find someone else first, before leaving him.  I did not want to be without.   Of course I found this kind of behavior almost unforgivable if I saw a guy do that, never realising that although I did not do that, I had the same desire.  It is as though we are...

2012 , the movie which has recently come on circuit about the apocalypse, had one scene of personal significance, which included a Tibetan monk who was discussing with his student the purpose of his wisdom.  The student had asked him what the point of all his wisdom was if the world was indeed coming to its imminent end.  The monk poured tea into his student's cup to the point of overflowing.  The monk was teaching him a lesson on wisdom.  The student did not understand why his teacher was filling the cup more than was necessary.  The monk said, it was not the overflowing cup that is needed but an empty cup.  The concept of being void was being taught.  And I had to shake my head internally, having sought wisdom, yet being disappointed by this impractical wisdom received.  Is that wisdom at all, considering its lesson leaving me as perplexed as before.  Or am I not searching deeply enough for this meaning of emptiness?   If you are empty, you are able to receive.  But by receiving,...

It's funny how I have this strong inner feeling that blessings are about to come into my life.  It is as though that inner voice, as small and quiet as it is, is so clear that I am holding onto it despite the loudness and the screaming going around in my head.  Or in my life.   Today my dear friend has gone through hell on earth - she was given an ultimatum between "doing her job correctly" or leaving.  She decided to leave.  And so she landed on my doorstep with her luggage and accessories.  She also went on a date with her ex-boyfriend which she has been looking forward to very strongly, only to be disheartened and disillusioned about love, and the power thereof.  My heart goes out to her.  Besides these two major events in her life, she can't find her charger for her phone, making her out of contact with just about anyone, and that is merely frustrating her situation.   And as bad as all this is, God is telling me otherwise.  After all, she has a dream, and she is ...

Do you sometimes feel like even your personal life is like a business transaction, where communication is pushed back and forth until you come to an agreement, a conclusion, a meeting.  Do you sometimes feel like you can't pretend anymore, to smile as though your smile were coming from your heart?  Why put up the facade, so that you keep good relations?  And to what end?  For what purpose?  After all, not every one you communicate with is a potential marriage partner.  You might be married already.  So why is it that some people are so easy to talk to while others are like machines that won't show any human emotion or weakness, making it impossible to find comfort and warmth in their presence, despite their best effort to exude warmth and kindness?   Aren't you tired yet?  Tired of all the meetings, whether with friends or colleagues?  Tired of the pleasures of life, the pleasantries rather?  Perhaps if you feel this way, you can be pretty assured they are not your friends ...

"I can understand 'no sex before marriage', but that's ridiculous!" she exclaimed.  And I had to agree.  She was talking about a couple who got married 6 months after knowing each other.  The guy is much younger than her and there are problems in the marriage.  She is regretful now, and said, they are Christian, so they wanted to do the right thing and not have sex before marriage.  But now she realises they got married to have sex.   I believe that many Christians may fall into this trap.  I thank God for that comment because I know that it is a trap that I too could fall into, and having heard it so blatantly, from the horse's mouth, has made it clear to me the grave danger of sexual attraction without conviction that you actually like the person for who he is.  This part is the most important part, so why is it so rare to meet someone we actually genuinely like? I think it is time for me to go, to pack up my things, sell a few belongings, and head off to a ...

No one hits the mark.  Am I meant to shift the goalpost?  Are my expectations too high?  I understand very well my own imperfection.  I am well aware of the competition out there.  But I keep holding on to the hope that perfection will come.  It will not be perfection as we all know it, but an inner peace and a knowledge that surpasses all understanding.  Am I naive?  Is it too much to ask?  Will I give in to temptation?  Or will I hold out in faith and wait patiently until that click, that magic moment, that perfect peace?  I pray for the latter.  I don't want to give up believing in that feeling, where "you just know".  It must be just around the corner, I keep thinking.  Not too much longer now...I will trust in God's timing. 

Nothing is in our hands except that which we hold.  God says, we are able to read the weather and read in it what will happen.  In other words, we can see an approaching storm in a grey cumulonimbus, and we will rush to our cars before the rain falls.  We will react accordingly.  We will shelter ourselves from the rain, the hail, the storm, and we are quick to react to it. But, he adds, we can't even read the signs of the times.  Perhaps we can even read the signs of the times, but what is coming under the spotlight is really our reaction to what we see happening.  So there are more and more earthquakes, and natural disasters in general, and we remember that God promised us these things.  But when we see a grey cumulonimbus cloud, we take cover, we protect ourselves, we seek shelter.  And God is that shelter, that protection, that cover, in case of the big storm, the biggest storm of our lives, when he returns.  He is trying to tell us that we need to seek him out now while we can ...

It's kinda late, but I made a commitment to write something every day, and in so doing, I hope to find my niche.  I hope to discover my writing style, my genre, and maybe even figure out what the purpose of my passion for writing is.   I was actually quite relieved that I needed not drive through to Pretoria this evening.  Isak said that they have the measles, so if I haven't had it yet, it would be unwise for me to come.  Instead we spoke on the phone, which served me far better.  I could speak to him about what was on my heart.  My mom.  And he listened and let me explain myself, and I felt better afterwards.  When I called my mom, we actually had a nice conversation, and she mentioned some adventurous things she wanted to do, like micro-lighting, balloon-riding and foofi sliding.  Wow! Where is this courage coming from?  Anyway, I think it's really cool. Since going through to the missionaries' place was no longer taking place, I decided to visit my cell group.  We w...

Today I had a visitor.  I was busy vacuuming my place because I was expecting guests, and I wanted to make a good impression.  Besides, I am trying to be a person who is cleanly.  There was a ringing at the front door.  I picked up the speaker phone, and I could hear the voice of a beggar.  He said he knew the landlord.  His name was John.  To cut a long story short, he wanted food.   Thinking of the scripture about giving to those who ask, and partaking in blessings, and not turning a stranger away, I collected some goodies for him, some bread, a tomato, some cold meat, mayo, an apple, some salad, etc, and gave it to him.  Still he pleaded for more.  He wanted clothes for a woman, so off I went, rummaged through my clothes and checked if there was something I did not mind giving away, thinking to myself, what am I not taking to Korea?  That I can give to her (his wife?).  As I gave him the bag, we got into a conversation.  Don't ask me how, but I made a comment.  Oh right!  I was ...

  There once was a man whose contemplations left him quite profound but there was a lady whose tight lips left him bound,  so he trailed along his path in abandonment and shame and found himself a wife whose pretty, pretty name he could not even pronounce and whose nose wasn't real.  It matters not, he thought, until one day she brought flowers to his door, and he thought, why did I give up on the concept of love?  Why did I bind myself  to a time when love was meant to be wrought? Why did I make such a mess? What is there to do now? He couldn't say, he was dismayed.  He thought of it - of leaving her and running away to the one he now adored but then there was this thought that there was a greater purpose in all  so he left his fantasies and funny, funny dreams and then one funny day he met her at a store and he said hello to her, and she squeaked something back, and that is when he took his wife and held her in his arms and told h...