That niggling feeling

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The only thing that counts, God says, is faith expressing itself through love.  Well, I feel I have missed a big chunk of something of your kingdom.  I feel as though there is a piece of information I might not be in possession of.  I feel like I have missed the mark.  There is something I am not grasping.  There is something I am not getting.  For if I did, I would be different.  I'd be holier somehow.  I'd be an evangelist, or a missionary, or simply more zealous for You.  

So easily swayed, so easily humanised, I fear never to make a difference.  I fear that I am not anointed.  I fear I am Your servant, but You have far greater plans and ideas, higher above my own, and I am not tapping in to Your mind.  I know You say I have the mind of Christ, but how can that be when my mind still revolves around men, secular music, and other things that seem so irrelevant to a purpose-driven life. 

Today was actually a good day, the first day of the year, spent with an old friend, had lunch, played Adventure Golf, watched Invictus, and had dinner.  It was good, and I have been very satisfied with life lately, with the way things have been going, but I had this niggling feeling or thought this evening, as I stood in my bathroom, looking in the mirror, and I remember the Lord speaking earnestly with me, asking me to fill my life with Him.  There is so much He wants to do and could enable me to do, and my question is, "What do I need to do so that He can work through me?"  

I trust He will answer soon.  And I trust that I will be so overwhelmed by His presence in my life that it will cast out all shadows of doubt.  

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