What difference?

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I've been singing,
"What difference did my love make?"
for the last month,
the month since we have split apart,
from the moment I said,
I thought it was clear after Friday night
that it's over between us
and you said simply, "Okay."

I thought perhaps I would have seen a change,
something good,
like the flower that grew from the broken heart
that Kristie drew and showed to me,
but I have seen no such thing in you,
only another train wreck.

Today I thought I'd ask it another way,
instead of asking myself
what difference I have made in his life,
having hoped it could be positive,
since I believe in leaving things better
than how I found them,
I asked myself instead,
what difference did his love make in my life?

The second verse playing in my mind,
one which was more from his side,
was, "how can we finish when we're not yet done?"
a question I used to ask myself,
when someone had broken up with me,
where I felt, I had so much more to give,
but was not given the opportunity.

Now I realise how important it is
to acknowledge your feelings at every turn,
in every moment, and not postpone,
but be honest with yourself and look
into the mirror of reflection and of truth,
and ask yourself, "How do I feel now?"
When I was in love, I said so,
and when I was no longer happy,
I told him so, and when I was filled with anger
and knew my words were no longer loved,
but filled with hurt and bitter resentment,
I let them out only until I saw they no longer bore
any resemblance to what I was meant to be feeling
in a loving and safe relationship.

Now I say nothing,
can't even look at his face,
nevermind his eyes,
there where his soul resides,
for what I see now is different
to what I saw then,
and it hurts too much to acknowledge
this man

I wish him well,
could not teach him to catch himself
before he moved onto another,
but I was never meant to be his teacher,
only his lover, or better still, his friend,
for we could not reach a higher plateau,
there is something to be said
about age, love, relationship.

This process of acceptance
of another moving on,
if not in heart but in mind,
in body, even if it is wrong,
is heart-breaking.
I would have given anything
to see him grow in Spirit and in truth,
to see his spirit delve into the depths of You,
but instead somehow it seems I have failed You,
for he seems further now from You
than he was even before,
and still he doesn't know
what he is missing
while he's missing You.

If only for a shadow,
if only for a thought,
if only for a glimpse into the dark clouds beyond the morn'
I wish I could see his soul dance one more time
the way he jiggles and juggles and giggles sometimes,
but I'd be happy to know he is happy too,
that he has found his contentment at last with You,
so let it not be, let it not come to this,
that he finds his contentment in relationships
with girls who coo and woo and boo
but rather I pray for a soul connection with You.

What difference does Your love make,
oh Lord,
what difference can it make?

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