What's in a cup?

Hallelujah!  The first sign of life on my blog: a reader, made known by his comment, and an apt one at that, concerned with the issue at hand!  Thank you, kind Sir.  Today I concluded my evening with three words of utmost importance: fast, pray, study.  I have been off work for a month, and I ashamed to admit that it has dawned on me that not once during this time have I thought of fasting and praying for even a day.  Study, yes, but there was always a meal that followed.   What clarity I seek, I shall find only then.  I am sure of it, as sure as a dove about to take flight.  Tomorrow I am going to a Ladies' Breakfast at church, where there will be wonderful food, followed by a talk entitled "Letting Go".  It seems ironic that I should be convicted of fasting before a grand feast.   The last time I am attending the teen ministry at church will be Friday, 12 February.  On this day, I am covering the theme, "How to pray".  It reminds me of the time I was still gre...

Some questions do not let one go.  They cling to the soul as though one's very life depended on it.  This is one of those questions.  It won't let me go.  It is as though I am gardening and there are weeds in my garden that I must get rid of before they destroy the land and make it infertile.   When it comes to sin, Paul described his feelings thus, "I do not understand what I do.  For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.  And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good.  As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me.  I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature.  For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.  For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do - this I keep on doing.  Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it,  but it is sin living in me that does it."  (Romans 7.15-20)  In a nutshell, he wants t...

A cup can be filled again and again.  Its purpose is actually just that: to be filled and emptied.  Its contents vary.  The only rule is to be cleaned before the next fill.   A cup is like a human soul.  It can be filled again and again, and its purpose is to be filled and emptied, and its contents vary.  The soul also needs cleaning before the next day in one's life.  What we fill ourselves with is our choice, but it does get deep inside us.  And it does affect us.  In order to truly move on with our lives, we need to offload, or confess whatever is on our minds.  We need to unburden ourselves.  I know how much it helps me to be able to speak to a friend about whatever I am going through.  And I am glad also to know that God is always available to listen to my prayers.  I know that there is nothing He won't cleanse me of, and I also know that if I don't fess up about everything, my cup remains stained.  It is my choice to have a clean cup.  

Today I called TeachKorea to see what was missing in my application to ensure I had a post in South Korea.  They need my police clearance and a certified copy of my degree, YunOck told me.  Promptly I sent them the documents via Speed Services.  I await my contract.   I went to gym today also.  Kerry arrived shortly after my arrival, and convinced me to join the spinning class.  I sang along to most of the songs, which meant I enjoyed the class.  After class, I was invited for dinner at Pascale's place, and I was to bring the dessert.  I got Bar One ice cream.  It is truly delicious and most certainly counteracted any loss of calories.   The process of moving seems a mix of memories, nostalgia, stress and nervous anticipation.  The procedure is not cut and dried, so I keep wondering what to do next.  What is important is not to have too much luggage, nor to forget important things behind, and to leave the place clean.  And a proper farewell to my new and old friends seems essential...

I have been silent for the last two days.  A technical fault has left me unable to feel connected with the world in cyberspace.  The word silent has new connotations for me since Sunday's sermon which highlighted the 400 years of silence from God between the Old and New Testament.   During those 400 years many events came to pass, including the history of Alexander the Great and Cleopatra.  Why was God silent for 400 years before He sent John the Baptist to tell the Israelites to repent and be baptised, and to make straight paths for the Lord?  I am reminded of the saying "calm before the storm".   I am not comparing my silence to God's silence and saying they have the same significance.  It was merely an association in thought to silence.  And considering my question on grace in these past few days which are turning into weeks, I feel almost as though silence could well be an extension of God's grace.   Perhaps He was angry but He knew full well that He couldn...

Sin tastes so sweet.  Its indulgence is relentless.  And then God calls, and He seems to be ruining all my fun, but deep down I know His Way and I can't get away with this.  I can't get away with my sin.  C.S. Lewis writes, once you start indulging in something, you keep indulging in it.  In other words, once you have opened a slab of chocolate to try one piece, you have this inner urge to finish what you've started.  Only a very self-controlled person can take merely one piece of chocolate and return the rest to the fridge, where it stays until the occasion arises where chocolate is sought again.   To cut the path of sin short is not easy to our human nature.  It hurts.  We feel we are depriving ourselves.  Instead I am now starting to see it as God's grace within I can now walk freely, because I am able to walk without condemnation.  Instead of seeing myself deprived, I trust that something greater will fill that time and space that I had dedicated to a situation of d...

I did see a doctor.  I never made an appointment.  She joined us for a cup of coffee.  I like her.  She reminds me a bit of my sister.  She is a friend of a friend.  She is a GP.  I took the opportunity to ask her medical expertise.  If it is a gastric flu or food poisoning, it should blow over in 2 - 3 days, she said.  Thank You, God, for sending her my way today.   I had a moral dilemma today.  I feel no closer to having solved it than three hours ago, when I received it.   That is often what moral dilemmas are like.  At first you react strongly, but keep quiet out of fear for reacting without thinking.  Then you think about it and try to justify your feelings.  Then you get confused with different kinds of messages you are receiving, and then you ask others for advice.  After being completely and totally muddled up, you start reasoning it out, writing down the arguments in your head.  But reason is not enough to convince you, or rather to direct you.  Moral reasoning is, after all, ...

Woke up this morning feeling nauseated.  Can't tell why.  Perhaps the food I bought at the supermarket yesterday was off.  I cannot think clearly due to this unforeseen circumstance.  My head is sore and my body aches.  If it is not gone tomorrow, I will see a doctor.  Tonight I will pray.  

I looked into my twin tub, seeing the revolving tekkies I had placed inside it.  After a rather muddy walk in the park, my friend suggested I simply put them in the washing machine.  I don't have a washing machine.  I have a twin tub.  The shoes turned left, then right, then left, and at some stage they got stuck, as though they had grown feet and were pushing against the edge of the tub.  I was watching in fascination at these shoes whilst thinking of Korea.  In the midst of this home-made movie, God said to me, "I have been moving you in one direction to get you clean, but I need to turn you in the other now.  When I am done with you, you are going to be squeaky clean.  I am preparing you to sparkle!  It won't be easy to bear, but it'll be worth it."   I knew then that Korea will be a deeper spiritual awakening.  He will deepen my faith by showing me the wonders of the deep.  I will dive into the things of the Lord, and see what I have never seen before.  He wil...

Perhaps it is too much to ask to take Ben my glowing snowman with me.  After all, what practical purpose would a plastic miniature snowman, made in Germany, not China, thank you very much, have other than remind me of the last Christmas in South Africa which was anything but cold.   Rather like a child frightened of the dark, I would put on my snowman before I go to bed to comfort my mind with the subconscious thought that the seasons change as the lights inside the snowman change from red to green to blue.  This is really quite ridiculous, I realize, considering I have many things to pack.  I would hardly like to think so much on each object, or else I shall never leave, being so bogged down with pros and cons of taking or leaving Ben and other such sentimental beings.  How important will comfort and association to home actually be?  Mind you, Ben is hardly a reminder of home, being a snowman and all.  I mean, hey, snowmen don't abound in our winters.  We are, after all, a country...

I admit I never actually read the book 'The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe' by C.S. Lewis, but I liked the assignment: make a game.  I was in the sixth grade.  My sister helped me.  She was very creative, and she had many clever ideas to make the game fun.  We worked on the game for hours.  At school, my fellow pupils gasped in amazement and thought I'd get an A.  To my disappointment, when the teacher found out I had never read the book, she gave me a C.  The following year I received the same assignment: make a game.  This year the book was 'Call of the Wild'.  My teacher was not the same.  It was her daughter.  I decided to redeem myself, so I studied the book intensively, and out of clay made miniature huskies and sleds.  I crafted various miniature figurines and glued them to a board with superglue.  In chronological order the figurines told the story of each chapter in the book.  Only this time my sister wasn't there to help me.  When I brought the game ...

Mere Christianity - a brilliant book, written by C.S. Lewis, otherwise known as Jack Lewis.  Never before have I read a book on the experience of Christianity that relates so deeply to my own, where the depth of our faith is expressed through images that make sense to me.  I relate to his philosophical mindset, and appreciate his sound arguments, though I admit having to read each chapter twice.  I thought of so many people whom it would undoubtedly benefit if they had the desire to pursue an understanding of Christianity to the depth which C.S. Lewis promises.  There is plenty of information there that has my mind reeling with excitement for the enlightenment it has already given me, and I am not even halfway through the book.  So intellectually acute, it serves me well.  It is honestly feeding my intellect in a way it has always desired to be fed - being neither too simple nor too challenging.  Its level of difficulty is just right, pushing me into another realm of thinking without l...

I am heading off to a foreign country, filled with strange new things, people of different backgrounds, and a culture very different to mine.  I am entering the land of Buddhism, Confucianism and temples.  And in the midst of the new beautiful scenery I will have the pleasure of observing, I will no doubt have new thoughts, new ideas, and a whole new adventure.   Despite having this new world at my doorstep, I plan to dedicate myself to my work especially during the first 3 months.  I really want to make an effort to get to know the children I will be teaching, the administrative side of the work, my co-teacher, and the curriculum itself.  It is important to me to remember that my first priority are my pupils.  They are the reason I am going: to teach Korea English.   Furthermore, having understood that seeing places has to be more meaningful than simply getting on a bus, snapping away at my camera and going home exhausted.  I would much rather make a habit of cycling about in my neigh...

It is rather unsettling that I should capture a thought of such clarity regarding my dreams.  I remember the day I stood in this studio flat, speaking about my plans to do my Masters that year.  That was four years ago.  I haven't done my Masters yet.  My ideal would be to lecture at a prestigious university and meet, fall in love and marry a Professor.  My opportunity to teach at WITS Language School has come and gone.  I am going to Korea instead.  Is it a mistake?  Have I just lost my one and only opportunity not only to step into a profession in the academic world but to meet Mr Right?    I cannot think of these matters.  I am leaving the very same year that SA is hosting the Fifa World Cup.  This fact makes me feel wholly unpatriotic, and a decision I might reflect back on my life as regretful.  After all, out of all the years to choose to leave this country, does it have to be 2010?  I thought about it only for too short a time.  I considered the traffic, that I am not a part...

I looked at pictures today that were not my own.  They were pictures of beautiful people in beautiful places doing beautiful things.  The world seems to have so much to offer.  I thought about it again.  The times I have felt the most satisfied in life had little to do with the beauty around me.  The times I was touched the deepest involved no physical touch at all.   A few years ago, a dear friend whom I would give a lift home once in a while listened to me patiently as I told him one afternoon about how I was feeling inside.  He said nothing that afternoon, but the next time he saw me, he told me he had a present for me.  He unfolded a butterfly made of paper, and he said to me, once you were a caterpillar (referring to the way I had described my feelings in our previous conversation) but you have now transformed into a beautiful butterfly!   The things that the eye can't see are what moves us the most.  We look for beauty but find it in unexpected places.  We look for love but h...

I remember sitting at a table for two at Mugg 'n Bean in Melville, a couple of years ago.  I was there to have coffee with a man whose crystal blue eyes and long, grey hair tied together in a ponytail intrigued me so much that I knew it was destiny we should meet and converse and share our minds.   His observation of giving beggars money, he said to me once seated, was a resentment they had towards the giver.  To him who does not have, receiving means he is in a position of lack, whilst the person giving is in a position of abundance.  Giving beggars money reinforces their lack rather than gain.  I was brought up believing that when you give, you have nothing left.  This precept works on the logical mathematical equation that if you have 10 apples, and you give away an apple, you have nine apples.  If, therefore, you have ten apples and you give away ten apples, you have none left.  It is obvious.   Along comes Jesus and says, when you give, you shall receive.  Instead of having to...

I look forward to doing all kinds of different sports these days: cycling, tennis, squash, ice-skating, running, walking, etc.  I fear there won't be much sports in Korea.  I know there is martial arts, skiing and lots of walking.  And apparently ballroom dancing is big.  What will I do in the evenings when I am alone at home without knowing anyone?  I hope I will make friends with the expats as soon as I get there, and that we will hang out and go places together.  I really hope I can hang out with a group of different people from all over the world, and we can get to know Korea and each other.   I also hope to get a guitar and seriously take up the instrument as my instrument of choice in terms of sound.  And perhaps I will finally be able to write some songs and put a tune to them.  That would be so great.   Besides sports, friendships and music, the teaching must actually be important to me.  I mean, I need to be inspired and to inspire.  I need to be motivated and motivate.  I...

The only thing that counts, God says, is faith expressing itself through love.  Well, I feel I have missed a big chunk of something of your kingdom.  I feel as though there is a piece of information I might not be in possession of.  I feel like I have missed the mark.  There is something I am not grasping.  There is something I am not getting.  For if I did, I would be different.  I'd be holier somehow.  I'd be an evangelist, or a missionary, or simply more zealous for You.   So easily swayed, so easily humanised, I fear never to make a difference.  I fear that I am not anointed.  I fear I am Your servant, but You have far greater plans and ideas, higher above my own, and I am not tapping in to Your mind.  I know You say I have the mind of Christ, but how can that be when my mind still revolves around men, secular music, and other things that seem so irrelevant to a purpose-driven life.  Today was actually a good day, the first day of the year, spent with an old friend, had lun...