Recommitment

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In 2003 my heart started beating for God. I fell in love with His Word and His Way, and in 2004 I was baptised. Our union has been much like a marriage. Initially I was madly in love, but then the thorns and thistles of this world left me with feelings of resentment, bitterness and anger. Even though I knew to go to God and speak to Him and all would be forgiven and resolved, I did not know how to communicate with Him. I still love God very much, and I never want to leave nor forsake Him. I want our relationship to improve, to get better, to take us beyond human love. 

I know God to be omniscient and omnipotent. He is everywhere at the same time, all-knowing, all-powerful. So I remind myself, as a feeling of loneliness, resentment and jealousy rises in me, because I yearn for His attention. I feel like I am competing for His attention, that His relationship to His other children is better than the relationship He has with me. I know it is a silly thought, but it also spurns me on to spend time with Him so that I can remember the bond we had, so that I am reminded of the realness of His Holy Spirit, how tangible and holy is His presence. 

I have come to see that I have neglected my God. Yes, I committed my life to Him, and I love Him, but actions speak louder than words, and I am deeply challenged, because I prefer words to works. And yet all He has ever asked of me is that I spend time in His Word. He has not asked me to spend time in His works. But by spending time in His Word, I know He will lead me to the tasks He has prepared for me to complete, and they will not be beyond my capabilities, because He has also deposited in me the Holy Spirit. 

I received the Holy Spirit at baptism, after confessing my sins and repenting, and it was the best day of my life so far, but I have since backslidden and forgotten the joy of my salvation. I would like to get back to my first love, I would like to recommit my spirit to His, and work out my salvation, as the Lord wills it, and not as I will it.  I am moving away from the saying, "Where there's a will, there's a way" and into the space that says, "God's will, God's way."



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