The safest place

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I dreamt I was sitting on a beach with someone last night
And as I looked up, there it was, the big wave, the tsunami I wrote of.
At first I was afraid because I was staring death in the face
And I could not see a way out.
 
And then I thought about it,
About escaping this world where my negative thoughts consume me
And torture my mind to the point of disturbing my peace
And stripping me of having healthy relationships.
 
So instead of being afraid of the oncoming wave of emotion,
I embraced it. I was a bit worried that I would suffer,
That I would slowly drown and gasp for air as the water filled my lungs
But I thought it would be tranquil to escape my feelings
And to enter heaven, where I knew I would be welcome.
 
So I let it come, having nothing to look forward to,
No one in my life that I love and who loves me equally,
And having no job that seems quite to fit my personality.
It would be sweet relief to escape this world.
 
And before I knew it, I was in the middle of it,
But I do not remember the wave hitting me and dragging me along.
Instead I was underwater and it was still as though I were in my mother's womb.
And I felt at peace but did not know if I was alive or dead.
 
When I woke up, I felt as though it was my first suicidal dream,
Where I chose death over life, and where my life seemed worthless.
But as much as that thought hurt, I also had an epiphany:
The safest place you will ever be is in death.
 
The thought made me laugh out loud
But I was scared to share it with anyone
Lest they think I want to take my life,
Which was not what this dream was about.
 
Instead, I guess, it was about gaining perspective
And not taking things so seriously,
Not being afraid of saying and doing things
In case I offend someone, or in case I look dumb.
 
I kept thinking about being swallowed up by that wave
And was grateful that I could look in the mirror
Like every other day and say, I am alive today!
 



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