Kick out beauty

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Kick out beauty and the brain kicks in.
It is funny I say without laughing
to explain how this feels.
By this I mean my age.
I no longer look the same.
My beauty got swept away.
Sure there are remnants, but it is not the same.
Youth is leaving the building.
Now I stand in an empty hallway
and the door I assumed I'd enter one day is closing.
I can almost hear the click.
Then I will never enter that room of having a child
and building a family
and having a heritage,
together with someone,
no great legacy to look back on.
If indeed that door should close,
I will then either still experience love and commitment but in a dual mode
or I will commit my life to some thing
and not someone.
For life.

I never thought I would be in this hallway.
I thought the doors would stay open forever.
There are many rooms that can be entered and are worth exploring.

I need to turn my face away from the expected norm and move toward the unknown, where perhaps I will be alone, but satisfied nonetheless.

It is very possible I could be happier than someone who feels trapped in their marriage. I have always believed I would rather be alone than with someone and lonely.

I look back. Did I miss my cue? Why did it not yet happen in my life? Are my romantic notions so unreal? I have been told, when you meet the one, you'll know. What I say to that now, almost with bitterness, is that I have learnt not to trust my intuition. I have been wrong too many times.

I want to say, I give up, but really, I have no idea what that means. I either fall in love too quickly or I don't fall in love at all. And I vowed once not to fall in love again, it was the stupidest thing I ever did, and then someone fell in love with me but I could not with him.

So here I am now. I opened a new door today. I am changing my career again. It was a choice I made. Will it bring satisfaction? Will it fulfill me? Perhaps it will distract me, even delight me, but I will never give up on love. I am too much of a hopeful romantic for that.

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