What's in a cup?

Love eludes me like a feather of a winged bird  that zigzags through the sky and lands next to me  on an empty chair.  My soul is the colour of the ocean whose moods sway like the tides and leaves an impression carefree but whose riptides take in  what lands on the surface  and drags it down deep  to where the blues are black  and depression sinks in I spit out what does not belong but I am forever changed  one by one I am told the ocean is beautiful  but I just feel ignored  as though the wind were a storm and won't let the feather rest  in my hand and in my heart.  

 I cock my head onto its side And pull a pitiful smile over my face And wonder how other women are behaving To receive and hold the attention To be loved, loving and lovable Who have faith and also religion My heart has shrunk to a tiny ball I am not quite sure what it holds  Except the lonely pain of an empty life Void of the one thing that matters most The thing that changes the color of your world  Without it, God says, you have nothing.  Hence I feel the loom of nothingness.  I feel like nothing. I feel nothing.  Just an empty shell.  Void of the one thing I can’t do without.  I don’t have a plan.  Always relied on fate. How different is fate to faith?  What do I really believe?  Proverbs 22:6

My chest pulls tight from choked tears, Whose sadness seeps into my sullen soul Like asphalt churned and poured out  Onto my future where once grew wild. I cannot hold your past in my palm Without running out of runway,  So I face the only one I know - my God -  To turn my road ahead into a riverbed.  Before I am broken in tears, I pine for the river to flow into the sea  Where all tears are laid to rest  Before evaporating into the sky. 

 You’re hanging in the balance. Your life tip toes, see-saws, tick tocks,  Swings to and fro. I seek to know all of what’s inside of you;  I want to turn you on your head,  Shake, rattle and roll you Til you empty yourself  And trust me enough  To see the whole picture  With God’s frame around your life.  He created that masterpiece  That is so precious to Him  And that He seeks to restore fully  In His own image,  No matter the length of time Until you stand upright again. 

 I held my breath  And you let me drown.  I’m so glad that God made me as He did.  A single bird perched on a branch,  Singing tunes she hopes someone understands.  I look back now, I looked back then,  And all I want is to look forward instead.  I’m at a dead end, a cul de sac,  I need to turn around  And learn to swim. 

I think of my childhood. I had dreams then. It was easy to believe in them. It was the only reality I knew. Untainted by all the impossibilities of life and untarnished by the disappointments that were bound to come. Free of burdens my mind could not yet carry. A heart untouched by evil or deceit. And a magical time of innocence. A momentous time of presence. Has believing in your childhood dreams become a lost art? A skill forsaken in the midst of new realities, but one that hounds you, seeks you out, chases you like a looming deadline? Push forward to find the pockets of inspiration that cross your path from time to time! For all that has happened in my life, I now accept and absorb all of what life has served me into my soul, and pray that when you squeeze me out, I will not hold inside me bitterness, rage and resentment, but instead will drip with gratitude, lessons learnt, wisdom gained. How many of us have experienced tragedy? How many of us have experienced pain? I know I am not...

I never saw you before Your laugh, your smile, your tears, your frowns, I never saw them before I didn't know you inside I felt the sting of your pain but I could not refrain from taking it personally. We all have roles to play but I did not know that then in my child's mind and I could not understand why you could not do it all for me but now I see because I am free and I love you all the same. When I saw you dancing in the rain and you laughed and smiled and felt no pain it lifted my pain of you leaving me too soon, long before you passed away and I felt relieved, and I rejoiced every time I saw the rain.